Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.

At least, I think it went south.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.