Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.