Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

3% human
97% stress

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

“Does this look infected?”

*points to the entire world*

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth