Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

My god she’s good.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room