I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
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I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”