I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
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Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
SF is the wild wild west man
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
WTF
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”