I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
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Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Hang in there buddy
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work