Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

Who needs an Air Fryer?

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.