Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

Pandas 🐼🖤

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?