Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario