Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

Can’t stop laughing

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

Realize this:

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

I’m a self-made hundredaire

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.