I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
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Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
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Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Breaking news:
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Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
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