Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

Kids: Stay in school.

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things