I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
You Might Also Like
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Oops
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?