I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
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I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
can’t bark with your mouth full
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
☠️ ☠️
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last