Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

Noah could only fish twice.

Why?

He only had two worms.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I’m aging like a fine banana

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

#CoronaOutbreak

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic