I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
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My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses: