Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

umm…

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

“You drive, I’m tired.”

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.