I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
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*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.