Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

[First date]

Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

All. The. Damn. Time.