Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

orange cat behavior

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos