I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
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my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom