Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

Sharon, call the vet

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…

2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.

my nickname in college

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for