Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

This is a sub tweet

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

who did the taste test?

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

step 6: release the wall snake

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”