Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

I’m already scared

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

Breaking news:

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes