I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.