“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
