“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
