Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
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The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Imagine having a party on purpose.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.