Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

So many people to disappoint, so little time

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.