Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

ok this is my dumbest yet

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

Sounds like a bargain

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

Yes, this is exactly right

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words