I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
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“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.