Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

“FRAAANCE!”

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.