Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

what’s the point then??

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.