Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

New mindset, who dis?

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.