Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

No, Karen ….

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.