Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

Yup

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

ㅤ

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

Not today.. 😂