Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

Covid like

From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen