Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Need WebMD

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

motivation

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.

No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH