I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
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*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Terribly Tuesday.