Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

Tammy is short for Tamuel

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

What my back needs

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*