Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

◾️

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there