I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
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How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
#SCOTUS one-star review
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…