Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just gave your address to some spiders

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.

Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

is it too early for christmas memes

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life