Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life

If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

Friday

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks