I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
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This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I hate my earbuds.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.