“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
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Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*