I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
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“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄