I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
You Might Also Like
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.