I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
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Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
⛄️
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”