I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
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I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please