I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
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just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.
Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.