Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

A choir of Spring onions

Me: [watching football]

Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]

Announcer: That was a huge sack!

Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.