I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
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“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog