Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

Said the murderer.

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

Me, reading some of your tweets

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,