I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
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tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
The symmetry is uncanny.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
spot the difference
