@Rohit_And_Run

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

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@Shot_Of_Cabo

Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard.
So now I’m explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.

@seancehat

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

@catstronomical

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

@3sunzzz

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

@ms__pauline

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

@andlikelaura

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

@Jake_Vig

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

@seamussaid

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

@junejuly12

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.