I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
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The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
this makes me so uncomfortable
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien