Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard.
So now I’m explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.

@seancehat

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

@catstronomical

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

@3sunzzz

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

@ms__pauline

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

@andlikelaura

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

@Jake_Vig

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

@KenJennings

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

@seamussaid

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

@junejuly12

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.