Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.

Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.

Just added something to my bucket list.