Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

#oldknees

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

Hitlers gonna hitl

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.