Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

Just grow your own

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.