I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
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A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
🤣dope
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Grandmother clock.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Thursday Thought.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates