I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
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If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.