Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

grandparents are too precious for this world

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

HEY JALAPENOS!

Me doing the macarena dance

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise