I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
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Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I’m the neighbor
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”