I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
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Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Never forget.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.