I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
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[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
going to bed
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake