I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
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“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My recliner and I go way back
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?