I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
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I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”