I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
⛄️
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children