Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

Good morning, Twitter 😊

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion