Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

*offers Batman cough drops*

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

I only eat vegetarians.

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)