Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.