Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

LOL!

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.